Thoughts....

Well, just when you think things can't get worse they somehow do. Yesterday, Jamie, Erinn and I had to plan our mother's funeral. We needed to choose a casket to bury our mother in. I remember being in that same room choosing a casket for my dad a few years ago, yet it seemed like only yesterday. We had mom then, now we only have eachother. I say only but I know how lucky we are to be able to lean on eachother. Whenever we feel like no one can possibly understand what we are feeling we can find comfort in knowing that we are each going through the same thing. Other people who've lost their mother think they understand but unless your mother was your bestfriend, your heart, your soul......you can't possibly understand.
Tomorrow begins the morbid part of this whole process. To view my mother in her coffin is going to be so difficult. As difficult as watching her take her final breathes? No, but horrible and gut wrenching no less.
I don't know how to go on living day to day without being able to talk to her. I know what she wanted for me and my sisters I just don't know how to do that for her.
I feel like I can't breathe. There is this constant tightness in my chest as if my heart is being suffocated. There is no doubt in my mind that my heart broke when my dad died. Now it has surely been severed, beyond any repair. My heart will never be the same........I will never be the same.......Our family will never be the same.